Archives for the month of: March, 2015

Ha!  You mean every commercial airline pilot is not blind and bi-polar?  Sure would’ve explained my last red-eye flight to LAX!  The delays, the “we’re flying around some weather to find smoother air” but hitting even more severe turbulence, the narrow-ass seats that “recline”, seat cushion as a “personal flotation device” (which sounds sexual), luggage fee higher than my ticket price (did my bags get first-class seats?), disembarking at the wrong gate, etc. etc. etc.

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Hipster vintage artisianal laundry. Plaid shirts and skinny jeans laundered as done at the turn of the century out on the frontier plains, with washboards, hand-cranked wringers, and against a rock.

Hey, maybe we should just let Iran have the entire Middle East?  Why let perfect be the enemy of the really shity?  After all, it could be worse than really shity, it could remain apocalyptically shity and unstable in perpetual civil war, with beheadings, burning people alive, rape, genocide, and women forced into sexual slavery.

I’m no fan of Iran but they’re starting to look like the second most stable and rational country in the region.  You kinda have to grade on a scale, no?

I went to Starbucks and sort of hoped I might get one of them “race together” cups of joe.  Instead the barista wrote “fuck you whitey 1%-er, shouldn’t you being growing your own coffee beans in your urban rooftop garden?”

Good to see things are back to normal.

You know what kind of restaurant I’d like to see open here in my home town of Jersey City, NJ?

One exactly like the ones my parents would drag me to as a little kid back in the ’70s/’80s growing up in the suburbs.  Exactly like one, EXACTLY.

A completely cheesy American-Continental restaurant.

Shrimp cocktail, clams casino, nearly wilted salad with ranch dressing, nearly stale dinner rolls (served in a basket wrapped in a warm cloth napkin with individually wrapped pats of butter that are half frozen and can’t get a knife through so you just insert the whole damn thing, maybe two, inside the roll via a slit you cut in it with your steak knife) prime rib, sirloin steaks, huge baked potato (wrapped in tin foil of course) with sour cream and chives, French onion soup (oh so exotic), lobster tail, surf-n-turf for two, etc.

And the help must be period perfect: big sideburns, feathered hair, jumpsuits, leisure suits, etc.  Bellbottoms.  All the help wears necklaces, female and male.

At 10:30pm a cover band comes on and plays Three Dog Night, Kris Kristofferson, and instrumental versions of Bee Gees songs quietly in the corner.  You dance between entree and desert.

To perfect it, you’d be drunk driven home in a ’72 Buick 352 V8 LeSabre with a Landua roof.  One with a timing problem and needing an oil change.

Now that would a culinary experience!

Too much pizza and Asian fusion ’round here anyway.

WAIT a second …

Remember back in 2007 or so when Barack Obama was first running for president and his Republican detractors were saying he’d be fool for talking to the leaders in Iran if he was elected president?  Republicans were saying that opening a direct dialogue between the US president and Iranian leaders, as Obama said he might do, would be a bad idea as it would legitimize the actions of the Iranian leaders and confer them with a level of respect that Republicans felt was unwarranted.

DOH!!

Now Republicans feel not only is that kind of conversation a-okay but that going behind the back of the president and the Department of State is fine too!  Almost every Republican senator signed that nutty letter sent directly to Iranian leaders.

Yee-HAAA!!

Even Mitt Romney got all worked up in 2012 because he felt Obama was too willing to “sit down for tea with our enemies”.

Here’s the thing: no major religion is anti-vaccine.  Only Christian Scientists and the Dutch Reformed Church have objections to vaccines.  Contrary to popular belief, most Amish people choose to vaccinate, only about 14% choose not to.

Mother Teresa — who won a Nobel Peace Prize and is beatified and needs one more confirmed miracle (two are required) to be canonized as a saint — made it a significant part of her charitable work to vaccinate children living in extreme poverty.

Only an architect should be allowed to ask “what’s the overarching concept” and only a watchmaker should be allowed to say “at the end of the day” and only a nuclear engineer should be allowed to talk about “core competencies”.

I accidentally clicked on the “Weddings” section of the New York Times app.  It was … hard to describe.  A strange collection of the nuptials of extreme a-type personalities and 1%-ers, all of them perfectly photogenic.  You know when you buy a picture frame and it comes pre-loaded with a pic of a beautiful man, woman, or couple?  Well here’s where you can learn all about those ideal people!  One couple plans to run half-marathons in every state and full marathons on every continent.  Because nothing says enduring love like endurance running I guess (I’m no expert at either). One couple made up an entirely new last name rather than have the wife hyphenate or the husband feel he forced his last name on her.  (Come to think of it I kinda like this idea, I mean why not go with Obama or Einstein or Depp, right?)  And really excellent teeth in all the photos, world-class stuff.  Check out this section only if you want to feel like a cretinous loser (or more so) and if you didn’t get enough fairy tales as a kid.  It’s pride killing in a way, not the “isn’t that lovely!” affect it wants to illicit.  (Of course I don’t believe in marriage so your mileage may vary.)  But it’s possible this is more damaging to a person’s self image and body image than all the skinny models and gorgeous celebrities, because these are REAL PEOPLE (allegedly, might be “fake news” like the Daily Show, I do have my suspicions).

Here’s an idea: since Democrats don’t really need a convention as Hillary Clinton is the de facto nominee, use the convention instead to nominate a replacement for Jon Stewart!

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