The US House of Representatives passed a bill authorizing the following:

1. The Headstart program shall be completely funded starting Monday. Parents shall bring their own jumper cables.
2. All war memorials shall be opened, including the Covert War in Laos Memorial.
3. All couples seeking a marriage at a national park shall be married at that park. Limit: 2500 couples, 11 same-sex couples.
4. The US Government shall never get between a patient and their doctor, but all children with cancer shall immediately report their local NIH office to receive their mandatory, experimental cancer vaccine, and doses of unapproved cancer medications.
5. NOAA and FEMA shall be immediately opened to deal with Tropical Storm Karen in the Gulf of Mexico, but both agencies shall be immediately closed once the storm makes landfall.
6. Osama bin Laden’s body at the bottom of the ocean shall be dredged up, a Navy SEAL shall fire three shots into the body (two to the chest, one to the head) and then the body shall be dumped into the ocean once again.
7. The Fender Stratocaster is shall henceforth be the official guitar of the Congress. All Gibson Les Paul guitars in the Capitol building shall be donated to the White House.
8. All traffic lights shall be allowed to turn green, after having been red, once they have shown a yellow light for three to seven seconds.
9. All mentally disturbed Americans shall be issued a .40 S&W GLOCK 23 pistol and a 100-round box of ammunition. But only upon surrender of their 5.56 NATO/.223 Bushmaster Carbon-15 assault rifle.
10. We are not Greece, but we may just be the Middle East now, huh?
11. You know that one-year old baby in the car, the one in which the Capitol Police shot and killed the mother, anyone wanna adopt this kid?
12. UNPAID INTERNS WANTED! Send resumes to The Office of The Speaker, H-232 The Capitol, Washington, DC 20515.