I am a world-class procrastinator. First-class, solid gold, Nobel prize winning. It’s my middle name. I won the procrastination presidency with 100% of the vote on 100% turnout. Snails envy me. I have no past, no future, and also no present. I am Pope Procrastination, with sainthood assured. My favorite play is “Spiderman Turn Off the Dark”. I feel “Chinese Democracy” was a rush job. I am helium entering a vacuum. Procrastination IS my vocation. Harvard wants me to lecture on the topic, I keep postponing and they see the genius in it. My appointment book is an Etch-A-Sketch. I’d like the iPhone 6 to have a rotary dial. I’m building a spaceship that travels at the speed of dark. Your deadline is my starting line. I own a timeshare on the international date line. Time won’t tell. Crunch time = nap time. I’d update my status if I believed in either updates or status. I have a conspiracy theory that all theories are conspiracies. I’d rather blow you off than have sex with you. I still haven’t unpacked my boxes from my move out of the womb.

And I look back at yesterday and realize all that I didn’t do could have waited until tomorrow.